Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It Is Still Painful for Me as a Mother





Our little one is doing great. Her hair is coming in quickly and it is so exciting to see. I thought her bald head was so much fun to kiss, but we really enjoying her soft new hair too. It is really fun to rub with our hands and our faces. Even my son the artist has put down his markers and loves to rub her hair. We used to walk around the house endearingly calling our little one baldy. Her new name is now fuzzy. Her energy level is great, her appetite is great, and her lungs must be doing equally as good because she walks around the house yelling, "Mom, Mom, Mom" all day long. We feel so blessed to have her doing so well. We have her scheduled to have her next blood draw the second week in March and then will rescan and test everything in April. She is such a sweet little girl and we have enjoyed watching her get back to a more normal life style (we will continue to be careful with taking her out a lot until cold and flu season is over, we don't want her to end up with anything just yet!)
I was talking with one of my daughters tumbling coaches the other day. She was apologizing for missing a lesson the week before. She said that she had been up at the hospital with her son. I asked if everything was alright and she told me no. She then began to describe some of the symptoms her son was having and some of the testing he had been through at the children's hospital, and that they still didn't know what was wrong. I sat there listening to her and could only say that I was so sorry and that we would be thinking about her and her son and hoping (praying) for the best. I got back out to my car and was overcome with emotion. I guess it all still hits too close to home for me. I can't help but get emotional as I hear about these sick children. It brings back so many feelings that I have had over the last five months that I don't think I have completely come to grips with. I found a journal that I started writing in shortly after getting our daughters diagnosis and thought I would pick it up only to read the first couple of pages and find myself shutting the book. I physically get sick, my stomach hurts, I get a lump in my throat and I find myself in tears. I find that as long as I focus on the place she is in now I don't end up completely overcome with emotion, but at some point I will need to allow myself to think about it all and process everything that we have gone through. I guess there is a time and a place for everything and right now may just be too soon for me.
My mind keeps coming back to the same thing, "Why do children have to get sick and suffer?" I come back to the same conclusion every time. We are on this earth to learn and to grow. I know that this life isn't always easy. I know that my family and I have learned lessons during this trying time that may have taken us years to learn otherwise. I know that our trials and struggles have touched others that have prayed for our daughter, helped our family and have followed our unfamiliar path with us. I don't believe that I will completely understand why children must suffer as they do while I am in this life, but I have had several experience where my mind has been put at ease concerning this with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost. I also know that there will come a time in the next life that I will be able to look at all that my family and I have gone through in this life and will have a full understanding (I am so thankful for that knowledge). I imagine that the pain that is brought to the surface of my mind/body/being when I learn of other children with life threatening illnesses is one that may take years to get over and may never completely go away. But, as painful as these feelings and emotions are they are a reminder of a very difficult, spiritual, emotional and tender time in our lives. A time that I would never change...I feel my family has grown so much... and yet a time that I would never want to do again.

9 comments:

Tara said...

You are amazing. We are so lucky to know what we know.

jbbastian said...

I don't think it ever gets any easier to see or hear of someone else who is suffering -- especially when you've been down that path yourself. However, having been there does give you a greater empahty for others and a stronger appreciation for what they will endure and learn. This journey you have been thru is a life altering event and something that will remain close to your heart forever....I believe for the good. Life is all about our challenges-- how we deal with them and what we learn from them. These obstacles make us stronger and help us appreciate our blessings that much more. Hang in there -- You and your family are an example to us all!

Amy Marble said...

I can't imagine what you and your family have been through. You have been a great example to a lot of people!

Doug and Carol Ann said...

Thanks for this most beautiful and tender entry. Our prayers are extended in your behalf every day, and we pray for continued healing for our sweet baby ("fuzzy")! Oh I would love to kiss her sweet little head. We love you all. Gr and Gr R

Angela Baird said...

I have enjoyed reading through your last few entries...her photos are absolutely darling...as I can imagine her new little fuzz is, too. Hooray for good news from the test results...we'll take all the good news we can get! You are such a good example to me of a stalwart wife and mom through all of this, even if you still get emotional about it from time to time...I think any of us would. :)
We are glad to hear things are looking good!

Kristen said...

I am so happy for you guys that she is doing good! Thanks for sharing your story and all your pictures. It was so nice that you kept a blog.

Emily said...

I would imagine that your new found empathy is something that will stay with you forever and will aide in helping lots of others who go down the same path. You guys are very inspiring and such great examples to all of us. Can't wait to hear of more good news soon. :)

Emily

Heidi said...

I love this post... I know that we feel exactly the same way about our Jake and have a difficult time putting it into words. As difficult as it has been, I still don't think I would change any of it. It has made us learn and grow in a way that we never could have otherwise.

I have not checked your blog for awhile and I am so happy that your sweet baby is doing so well! She is absolutely precious!
Jeff and Heidi Jamieson

Rachael said...

Sarah,
I feel the same way about reading your blog. There are times that I couldn't, because the pain was too great. It was like reliving what happened with my son Jacob when he was burned. I would often read and cry at the same time. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we receive going through something like this is being able to succor each other. We know that the Savior, through his inifinite atonement experienced all things - all the sadness, weariness, physical and emotional pain and feelings of heartache that we have ever felt. This in additional to the agony he suffered for our sins. It is because of this that he can succor us in our afflictions. Going through an experience like this gives us a new perspective on life, but also the ability to succor others that are wading through similar challenges or difficulties. So glad to hear things are going well. God bless! Rachael:>