Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It Is Still Painful for Me as a Mother
I was talking with one of my daughters tumbling coaches the other day. She was apologizing for missing a lesson the week before. She said that she had been up at the hospital with her son. I asked if everything was alright and she told me no. She then began to describe some of the symptoms her son was having and some of the testing he had been through at the children's hospital, and that they still didn't know what was wrong. I sat there listening to her and could only say that I was so sorry and that we would be thinking about her and her son and hoping (praying) for the best. I got back out to my car and was overcome with emotion. I guess it all still hits too close to home for me. I can't help but get emotional as I hear about these sick children. It brings back so many feelings that I have had over the last five months that I don't think I have completely come to grips with. I found a journal that I started writing in shortly after getting our daughters diagnosis and thought I would pick it up only to read the first couple of pages and find myself shutting the book. I physically get sick, my stomach hurts, I get a lump in my throat and I find myself in tears. I find that as long as I focus on the place she is in now I don't end up completely overcome with emotion, but at some point I will need to allow myself to think about it all and process everything that we have gone through. I guess there is a time and a place for everything and right now may just be too soon for me.
My mind keeps coming back to the same thing, "Why do children have to get sick and suffer?" I come back to the same conclusion every time. We are on this earth to learn and to grow. I know that this life isn't always easy. I know that my family and I have learned lessons during this trying time that may have taken us years to learn otherwise. I know that our trials and struggles have touched others that have prayed for our daughter, helped our family and have followed our unfamiliar path with us. I don't believe that I will completely understand why children must suffer as they do while I am in this life, but I have had several experience where my mind has been put at ease concerning this with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost. I also know that there will come a time in the next life that I will be able to look at all that my family and I have gone through in this life and will have a full understanding (I am so thankful for that knowledge). I imagine that the pain that is brought to the surface of my mind/body/being when I learn of other children with life threatening illnesses is one that may take years to get over and may never completely go away. But, as painful as these feelings and emotions are they are a reminder of a very difficult, spiritual, emotional and tender time in our lives. A time that I would never change...I feel my family has grown so much... and yet a time that I would never want to do again.